You know, there are periods of life where things just feel messy. And I am in one of those periods right now. I feel like everything inside of me is shape shifting (once again!) and it’s hard for me to keep up and process. And I’ve been crying so much lately (and eating a lot of bread and cheese). And sometimes I feel ridiculous, feel like this move shouldn’t be that big of a deal, like I should be able to handle it. And that’s just not the case. It is a big deal. It’s a big move. And damn, it’s bringing up so much grief around my mom. Unexpected grief. 

It’s so interesting to me. Every time I’m rushing against the clock, time goes by so FAST. And usually in those moments, I’m an anxious mess. And then whenever I’m just taking my time, slowing down, talking to people, quite literally stopping to smell the flowers - time goes so SLOW. In the best way. Have you ever noticed that?

Sometimes it’s wild to me that I’m 37 and still haven’t experienced a “healthy” relationship. There are times that it makes me sad, like I’ve been missing out all these years. Like maybe I’m not worthy of that type of love or that I’m destined to be alone forever. And then I go through these dating experiences and I am reminded of WHY. I am reminded of my parents relationship dynamic. Reminded of how my mom was with my dad. And then it all makes sense.

Am I too quick to make assumptions about other people? Like they show me one side of themselves and then I just fill in the rest? As if I can sum up the existence of one person from the tid-bits of information that I learn within the first couple weeks of meeting them. 

I used to think it was a bad quality that I could detach so easily from people. That within an instant, I could see them so clearly and make a decision on whether I wanted them in my life. I used to beat myself up for this, and now… I realize that it’s a superpower. It’s my intuition. It's a gift. 

Burn it all down. Allow my future to be a blank slate. Release the expectations, release the vision, stop GRASPING for something that doesn’t feel right. Stop feeling the need to fulfill a purpose. And maybe just…have fun. Enjoy life. LAUGH. Play. Love. Be loved. 

And since that day, I am able to see how often I get angry about something and then immediately gaslight myself. A lot of the time, it’s because I want to avoid confrontation or making someone uncomfortable. Or because it feels ridiculous to be angry over something “so silly”. So I play the cool girl, everything is fine, I’m fine, it’s cool. When really I am FUMING inside. 

And from past experience, my moments of loneliness are typically when I find myself. When I explore. When I expand. When I reach. When I force myself to go outside of my comfort zone. To grab dinner by myself, head to an open mic show, go to a concert solo.

I keep telling people that I’m shedding, I’m letting go, I’m pulling back from commitments, cancelling plans, donating house items, rearranging my apartment. Creating SPACE. Space for what? Who knows…