it feels like a void within me is finally being filled

I only have a couple months left in San Diego and I feel overwhelmed. I’m having to let go of so much and yet I continue to add onto my plate. I want to start a podcast, volunteer for hospice, volunteer with children, finish this marketing course I signed up for 6 months ago, learn astrology, tarot, write this blog, read all the books. Oh, and like, do normal life things like the gym, eat healthy, breathwork, blah blah blah. My brain might actually explode.

I have a tendency to do this - to take on too much, hit burnout, then have to drop it all. When will I learn the balance of it all? It’s the pendulum swinging so far in each direction that I’m getting whiplash. I get excited about something and dive in, only to realize that I never finished the other five things I was working on. I want to get to a point where I finish one thing, THEN move onto the next. Anyone else feel this? Any fellow Sagiattrius sisters out there?

My mom was in my dream last night. In the dream, she was sick, but she didn't look sick. And I was so busy, had so many plans, so many things on my calendar - that I didn’t even realize that I had the opportunity to spend time with her before she died. And when I did have this realization, I didn't know where I would “fit her in” to my schedule. As if she wasn't the most important thing in my entire life at that moment. And I woke up in reality and realized that I did it again - I’ve taken on too much. I’m not seeing clearly and I am MISSING something. Missing opportunities, missing the beauty around me. Because I am in a constant state of doing.  

My dad always used to say "everything in moderation” - not that he mastered that, but I think it’s something he wished he could've mastered. And I am still working on finding the balance between rest and doing. And sometimes I don’t think I know how to rest, how to not be productive. Because in order to feel good about my days, I sometimes need to prove to myself that I did this, this, and that. And even though I “checked things off my list:”,  I don't really feel accomplished because I was moving too fast to even realize everything I did. And then I hit burnout. Drop everything. Rinse and repeat. 

You know, there are periods of life where things just feel messy. And I am in one of those periods right now. I feel like everything inside of me is shape shifting (once again!) and it’s hard for me to keep up and process. And I’ve been crying so much lately (and eating a lot of bread and cheese). And sometimes I feel ridiculous, feel like this move shouldn’t be that big of a deal, like I should be able to handle it. And that’s just not the case. It is a big deal. It’s a big move. And damn, it’s bringing up so much grief around my mom. Unexpected grief. 

I am so insanely happy that I get to be around my best friends and family again. And that’s part of it too. It's coming home. I haven’t been this close to my family in 20 years. I have always been at arms length (very cat-like of me). Always trying to prove to myself that I can be on my own, be hyper-independent. Acting like I don't need the support, acting like I’m all good. Well, I’m done acting. 

And my heart is breaking…but in the best way possible. My heart is breaking down, the walls are being obliterated, because the vision/feeling of being home is making me feel safe again. And I just learned that my best friend is only ONE HOUR from where I’m going to move and that literally made my entire day. These people are my heart. And it feels like a void within me is finally being filled. And if that ain’t reason for a good cry, then I don’t know what is.