“the rest is still unwritten…”
I’ve been feeling kinda numb lately. And I’m not here to give a quick fix, or to say that I did breathwork and tapping and the gym and acupuncture and dance to heal my mood. I mean, I am doing all of these things in an attempt to elevate my mood and they are helping to keep me balanced. But sometimes there isn’t a quick fix when we’re in a funk. Sometimes all there is is keeping faith that the funk will pass. That the sun will rise again and we’ll be feeling light and happy again. And until then, it’s really about taking care of yourself. Giving your body what it needs, surrounding yourself with humans that you love, journaling, getting outside, getting good sleep. And trusting. It’s all about trust.
And there is so much going on in the world. It’s overwhelming. I feel helpless all the time. And confused, so confused. And paralyzed. Like how do I help? What’s the best charity? How do I know this donation link isn’t a scam? Which cause do I choose? If I only donate X amount of dollars, does that make me a cheap ass? Will it even help? And honestly, I still haven’t figured it out. I’m working towards focusing on ONE thing, one thing that truly matters to me. And I’m starting there. Because the overwhelm really sets in when I feel that I should know about everything, and then I go into freeze mode and learn about nothing. Hence feeling paralyzed. So once again, get outside, go for a walk, take care of yourself. Breathe.
In addition to the madness in the world, I am (finally) seeing clearly just how disruptive dating is for me. I mean, it’s always been hard. It’s always caused me a lot of anxiety. It truly feels like my body and mind are being taken over by forces that I can’t control. So there it is - when I’m dating, I feel out of control. Like I’m on a bad acid trip and I just want to drink a cup of milk so it’ll all be over. A little anxious (albeit, adorable) mess. And I just want someone that can handle this mess of mine. A man who thinks that all my anxiety is precious and he’s happy to swoop in and “fix” me. And yet…first of all, life ain’t a RomCom AND secondly, we all know that only we can take the necessary steps to change ourselves. And so I’m on the hunt for a new coach because yo, your girl needs some help. I mean, I am too much for MYSELF right now…and my girlfriends deserve a break. And I am so over the feeling of overwhelm and anxiety when I’m dating. O-V-E-R I-T.
I want dating to be fun! And effortless. And deep. And so I started a list of what I want in a future partner. I even have a list of 5 questions to ask the next person(s) I choose to date - a little interrogation if you will. The tippity top qualities on my list are a man who has a high level of self-awareness, takes care of his mental/phsyical health, is emotionally available (please, dear lord), and can openly and honestly communicate. As I type these out, they seem so OBVIOUS. But uhhh, for me, they haven’t been. Hence, the list! And hence, the questions!
Sometimes it’s wild to me that I’m 37 and still haven’t experienced a “healthy” relationship. There are times that it makes me sad, like I’ve been missing out all these years. Like maybe I’m not worthy of that type of love or that I’m destined to be alone forever. And then I go through these dating experiences and I am reminded of WHY. I am reminded of my parents relationship dynamic. Reminded of how my mom was with my dad. And then it all makes sense. This is another layer of the onion, another pattern/story that has to be rewritten. As Natasha Bedingfield would say, “the rest is still unwritten…”. And this is my story to write.
Love, MJ
