my main goal right now is ME
I’ve never written a “blog” before and honestly, why is it even called “blog”? Apparently it was a term developed in the 90’s about keeping track of comments from the internet? Either way, I woke up this morning really wanting to document my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences and share them with the world. With no particular reason as to why, with no marketing scheme, no plan - just sharing for the sake of sharing. To see if anyone else resonates.
2025 is the year of the snake, as I've been reminded of many times lately. I keep telling people that I’m shedding, I’m letting go, I’m pulling back from commitments, cancelling plans, donating house items, rearranging my apartment. Creating SPACE. Space for what? Who knows…
For the last two months, I’ve been slowing down. Not that I really wanted to slow down, but my kitty had an emergency surgery and it forced me to stop everything. And in the forced stop, I came to realize what was truly important to me. And because I had space and stillness and TIME, I was able to see what was pulling at my attention.
For a couple of weeks, this was a cool phenomenon. I had created space, new things were pinging for my attention, I was integrating, resting. I had an EXCUSE to not do anything. Once my little dude healed, I didn't have an “excuse” anymore…yet everything I was doing before his surgery all of a sudden felt irrelevant to my life. None of it felt exciting anymore. And then god only knows what was happening cosmically or energetically, but I was DEAD. I couldn't stop taking naps, I was apathetic, lethargic, unmotivated, eating a lot of cheese, wanting to escape my body with booze and fantasizing about having a roster of men for casual sex (which I know I am no good at). I had hit a new level of burnout, my DNA was spinning out from the energetic upgrades or solar flares or whatever was happening, and it was a wild ride. I had no control. I just had to REST.
And I fought these last two months hard because, shocker, I don’t know how to rest. I don't know how to NOT be productive. And I’m realizing that I went from the hustle culture of the corporate world straight into the hustle culture of the healing world. Because our “healing journeys” can be a lot - from therapy, to journaling, to reading, to all of the instagram posts about codependency, cacao circles, ecstatic dance, finding our “tribe” - god damn! It’s exhausting. And it’s hustle culture in a new skin.
I have nothing figured out. I’m more confused now than ever because I have no goals and nothing that I’m pursuing outside of myself. My only goal right now is ME. It’s building structure within my routines, my health, my values. And doing whatever brings me joy…which in the moment is writing this blog post apparently - who knew!
Love you all,
-MJ
