give them grace

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if men I dated in the past think of me as much as I think of them. Do they wonder how I’m doing? What I’m up to? I wonder if they can look back and understand the lesson, understand the reason that we came together. Have they grown? Sometimes I want to reach out to some of these men and then I stop myself. Because it feels like going backwards. And because honestly, I have very little faith that they’ve changed. But maybe that isn’t fair to them. Maybe they have made some big changes in their lives. Maybe they also have regrets. 

There was this one guy I briefly dated when I was around 30. And this was at the peak of my festival lifestyle, taking molly, doing cocaine on the weekends - I was a fun time (or so I thought!). But I was living a double life. By day, I was “chill”. By night, I was a wild child. And oh man, this guy got the ICKKKK from me. And this was before the term “ick” even existed - but looking back, he 100% got the ick. And then I think about what he must think of me. He probably thinks I’m still doing the same shit, partying, drugs, lost. When in reality, the year after he and I dated, my entire life shifted and it forced me into therapy, forced me into doing the work. And I am a completely different person now…I think for the better. 

And so if I want others to give me grace, I also have to give them grace. And know that while we might never be compatible as partners, they’ve still lived their lives, they’ve made changes based on their own circumstances, whether good or bad. And I can only hope that each of them is doing well and that they’re happy. And I hope they want the same for me. 

Love you all,

MJ